OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
