How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
