Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
