i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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