Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
