a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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