Plan B is the new Plan A
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
