Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
