i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
