ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
