I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize