Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
