How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
