she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
