You really coming over, don't trick.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your penis caused this!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
