Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
