We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I need to stop coming to work sober
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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