I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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