I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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