You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize