Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize