when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize