I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize