after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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