Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
