Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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