yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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