I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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