i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
