I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
