God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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