i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
