dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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