I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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