Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
