Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
