I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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