I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
