the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
