Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
