a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
