i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
