Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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