I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
