why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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