Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
