There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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