Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
