I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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