Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
