Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
