Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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