I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
