my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
