It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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