That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
