When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
