Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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