how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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