I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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