How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
