I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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