you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
