Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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