I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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