Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
