i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
