sarcasm needs its own font
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
