I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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