Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
